Journal Day Five

Sorry to my kids for yelling so much today. Their behavior toward each other really bothers me, especially the two older kids. I have to consider that my emotions over my dad affect the way I interact with them and the way they treat each other. My mother told me today that she felt that my dad is "sliding backwards" again. The incident that prompted her was that my dad came back from one of his rental houses that was having problems with their heat and he couldn't figure it out. She said he came back home and told her that he felt that he couldn't understand/figure out things that he knew before. This is the first time he has recognized his diminished capacity. She said he was really sad. I fell apart after our conversation. I felt so sad for him. My dad has three houses that he pretty much built himself. You know the expression "jack of all trades, master of none"? My dad was master of all. With less than a high school education, he was the smartest, most capable man I knew. I know. He has accomplished so much in his life, it's an unbeleievable story. For another time. Take good care, S

Journal Day Four

I know it has been a long while since I've written. Let me catch you up. The Giants won the Superbowl. Everyone is so excited. For the game we were invited to a neighbor's house but I didn't want my parents to be by themselves so we had them over our house and watched the game together. My father seemed to have fun. Less animated and involved than he used to be but still not too bad. I was really impressed with my daughter. She is eight and spend the entire evening sitting by her grandfather, taking care of him, bringing him food and drink. He really got a kick out of that! I think she had a great time as well. I did notice that my dad who used to be a clean freak, meticulous over things like eating only in the kitchen, etc... ate on our living room sofa and wasn't concerned at all over getting food and crumbs everywhere. I let it go and just enjoyed my time with the family. In general, one of the changes with my dad has been over cleanliness. First, personal heigene has gone down the tubes. My mom has been complaining about this for a while but I just noticed recently. Second, messiness around the house. Like I said before, this man was a clean freak. Obsessed with a clean and organized house. Now it seems like he just doesn't notice or pay attention/care about making a mess. He also doesn't clean up and my mom is constantly walking after him, cleaning up. Today I took the kids out of school early (irresponsible parenting or coolest mom ever?) to take them to the Giants rally in their NJ stadium. We met my husband at my parents house and went from there. I was hoping to convince my dad to come with us but he didn't want to. He was sleeping/resting in the family room when we got there. Did not come out to greet us. Unusual. When I went in to speak to him he was out of it. My husband said he couldn't engage him either. My dad has been sleeping/resting a lot in the afternoons. I'm not sure why. We saw him again in the evening and although he was awake and hanging out with my mom in the kitchen he did not ask us anything about the rally at all. I think he's getting worse. Again I am so upset. Feel hopeless. I'm home now with the kids and can't focus on anything else. I'm trying so hard to put my dad's condition in perspective. To prepare myself for the fact that it's going to get worse. That I have to continue to live my life, be there for my children... But it's so hard. I feel like I'm drowning. Last weekend was my birthday, 44 years on planet earth. My husband planned a day in a spa/sauna for the entire immediate and extended family. My dad made such touching toasts to me, to our entire family. It was so nice. He was jovial, singing, laughing. A glimmer of who he used to be. For a moment I convince myself that he's not getting worse. In fact, maybe the disease has halted. A miracle. But the very next day, sometimes the very next moment I realize that no, in fact he is sick and getting sicker every day. I don't know the future. I don't know how I will handle it. How will my kids be affected? How will my mom handle it? I know the biggest burden is on her. Well, at the end of this week my parents are going to Aruba with my in laws. I know, strange in the best of circumstances but with my dad's condition, I don't know how they will get along. They are going to be living together in a two bedroom condo. Fingers crossed. My dad's personality has changed. He is stubborn (more than usual), easily irritated (especially by my mom), and overly concerned about money. My mom tries to run interference for him, often interrupting him, answering for him, making decisions. I know her intentions are good but I think my dad resents her. He often says, "well, if mom wants to talk, let her. I'll just be quiet". And then he shuts down and doesn't speak until she stops talking, leaves the room, whatever... and he is spoken to directly and allowed the time to focus and formulate what he wants to say. You see, we are a loud, overbearing, opinionated Russian family. Before FTD, my father was the head honcho, the leader of the pack. The loudest, most argumentative one of all. Now he can't keep up with a conversation that has a lot of people involved with everyone talking at once. He needs quiet; more time to think of what he wants to say, find the right words. I think that's why he's better at talking one on one and quieter when he's in a group. I think that's enough for today. I realize I need to come back more often and write. Life around me is tough, unbearable at times but for the moment, after writing this I feel better. Take good care, S