Journal Day One

This is harder than I thought. Why a blog? Why now? My father was diagnosed with frontal temporal dementia several months ago. I was the one who noticed a change in his behavior and finally convinced my mom to convince him to see a neurologist. The diagnosis and conversation with the doctor was devastating. Heartbreaking. The past few months have been tough. Anger, tears, acceptance. No, not really. Not acceptance but an adjustment to his new state of mind and trying to make the best, the most of every interaction. Trying to spend as much time as possible together, creating memories. It was working. My mind was calmer. Today my dad had a follow up appointment with the neurologist. I spoke to the doctor afterwards. He said he noticed a marked decline in my dad's condition. He did much worse on his mental assessment, was not oriented to his surroundings, not aware of what was going on around him. It has only been three months since the last appointment. The doctor said he was surprised at such a rapid decline. I had so many questions, worries. I was so upset. Doctor was so cold. I asked if my dad was on the right medications. Doctor said yes. What I really wanted to ask was is my dad going to become a vegetable and die? How long do we have? Will he remember who I am or his grandchildren? Why is this happening to him and to our family??? Our conversation ended with the doctor stating that in the next year we could expect my dad's forgetfulness and confusion to get worse until he no longer remembers anything and is unable to care for himself. I did try to get a timeframe but the doctor wouldn't commit to one. Only said that for some it's a year or two and others longer. Our conversation ended. I have three kids and they were downstairs waiting for me to check homework. I couldn't make it out of the bathroom, where I took the phone call (just about only place for privacy). My husband took over and I stayed in bed for the rest of the evening. That's the reason for my blog. Since my dad was diagnosed with FTD, I have been so upset, so devastated that I haven't been the best mom. My kids don't know why. I want them to maintain as normal a relationship with their grandfather as possible so I haven't told them the whole truth. When they are old enough, this journal will explain, will give them some insight. I love my dad. I love my kids. It's so hard to deal with what's happening to my dad and be the kind of mom I know my kids deserve. I hope that by coming here and expressing my emotions, frustrations, fears, anger that I will be able to focus and enjoy my kids instead of taking my emotions out on them. I see this blog as my journal. I will not be going back with my entries to spellcheck or pretty anything up. It's going to be real and raw. I hope it helps me deal and if anyone else out there is in the same situations as me, I hope this blog helps them as well, if only to know that they are not alone. Take good care, S